We are an Easter people (even when we don't feel like it)

He is Risen! He is Risen, indeed! Alleluia! Such happy words! Such joy! It is Easter week and we rejoice in our Savior.

But what if our alleluia feels a bit half-hearted, what if we can't muster that true deep joy that we know we are supposed to feel?

Mamas, Lent is a beautiful time that takes us into the desert. It interrupts Ordinary Time and calls us to focus, to look within, to sacrifice, and to lay ourselves bare, pruning ourselves for the glorious feast of Easter when we celebrate the Victory our Savior has won for us. But aren't there times in this vocation where Lent doesn't start with Ash Wednesday and end with Easter? Aren't there whole seasons of life that feel like Lent?

I want to write an Alleluia post. I want to share the joy that is overflowing from my soul! But this year, Lent came early and it doesn't feel over. I am deeply grateful to my Savior. I can ponder the Passion and give thanks for the Resurrection. My voice got choked up singing all those Alleluias on Easter Sunday, but still I felt like I was in the desert while surrounded by flowers. Past Easters have been glorious. I truly felt that passing from death into new life. Not this one.

Are you there? Been there before? If you know what I'm saying you probably felt some guilt, some thought that you were doing something wrong. Why isn't God pouring those graces you need into your soul? Surely, you are missing something. But, mama, it's not your fault. And you aren't alone.

We are a tired, striving lot, mothers and women. My crosses in this season might look nothing like yours, but they are real, yours and mine. Maybe this Easter is boundless joy for you, but it comes after a season of dryness you thought would never end. Or maybe you are in that place where consolation is rare and barely discernible. You just can't fix what you desperately want to fix and you can't figure out why it's so hard. And it is hard. I know it's hard.

When confessing the state of my soul, my temper, my discouragement, my worry, and really near despair at times, right before Easter, Father said that God must really love me a lot to allow this suffering, this lack of consolation in my life. He said that my perseverance, even if that looks like just going through the motions, is so beautiful to God. He sees us, mamas! He hears those aspirations and pleas you send up because you don't know what else to do. He knows our hearts. Our striving and even our worry are beautiful to Him because it shows the depth of our love. But we must remember that worry is not from Him, and striving, whether it is striving to serve our family or fix their problems, or striving just to keep it all together, often ends up us taking on crosses and burdens that He has not asked us to take up.

I was begging for prayers, again, from a dear group of friends, and a sweet, beautiful mama told me this, " I don't think there can be anything more beautiful to God than you, a mother struggling on without consolation in the darkness of this fallen world, her arms full of her children's needs and every moment filled with an ache to heal and help them. Do you know how beautiful you are? Even Mary didn't solve everything for her Son. There is nothing on earth wrong with things going well and enjoying life, but it is because the sword is piercing your heart that you are so close to Mary. She feels you next to her, even if you can't feel her. Rest in her motherhood; Mary didn't carry the cross for Jesus, she just loved Him through it and was there."

My friend wrote this to me, but it is true for every one of you mothers who carry on in darkness. To be a mother is to ache for your children, whether it's colic, or growing pains, or broken hearts, or a battle for their souls. To be a mother is to strive for more, always. But today, stop striving and worrying. Go to Mary. Stay close. Rest.

Easter will dawn in our hearts when we finally surrender. We don't have to feel it today to hold fast to the knowledge that the Victory is Won! Consolation will come. There will be rejoicing and a feast overflowing with graces that will erase the darkness and bathe us in Light!

Tired mama still waiting in the desert, trust in this. He sees you and you are loved. You can do this.

We are an Easter People. Alleluia!

Holy Week: Ideals vs Reality?

For many years, I found it hard to deal with the huge difference between my ideal Holy Week and my real Holy Week. This is the week! The culmination of all of our preparations, our prayers and sacrifices! Truly, this is the time to go so deep into the mysteries of our Faith, meditate on the Scriptures, and let God speak directly into our hearts.

But wait, we are still moms. Even if we take off school and pare down the schedule, there are still meals to be made and the dishes that follow. There is the laundry, the diapers, the interruptions. How are we supposed to dwell in the spiritual world when our material world never stops calling? Don't we deserve a "Holy Week "?

I can remember a day, a Good Friday, many years ago, when my husband and oldest went to confession and left me with five little people between the hours of 12:00 and 3:00. All I wanted was to meditate on the Passion. All I did was be mommy. And I was frustrated instead of Holy.

Our other Good Fridays consisted of wandering the church grounds or sitting in the van with a toddler and baby, while the older kids were inside for the Veneration of the Cross. I felt sure I was in the wrong place, missing where I was supposed to be.

But that's the point, that's where I was supposed to be, doing the mom thing when I wanted to be spending time in Adoration or even home meditating with a candle and a Bible, sitting in the van with the fussy little person when I wanted to be at the foot of the Cross. Because the point of Holy Week isn't to have it our way. There will be a time in our lives, God willing, for quiet, deep meditation. The point during these years is to embrace our Cross (which is also our blessing) and die to self while doing our best to point our littles ones towards God.

So, how do you live Holy Week as a mom of many? Small aspirations. Seize the moments for short meditations. Read to them about the Passion on their level. Participate where and when you can and offer the rest up.

Wishing you a Holy Week full of graces, obvious and hidden.

Look at the Tree, Tired Mama

Look at the tree, tired mama

Our tree is up, decorated by nine of my children, big helping little, with lots of love and care. It doesn't quite fit in our small living room and everything is a little more crammed together. But I love my Christmas tree.

Today, my third child turns nineteen. His is the fifth birthday we have celebrated among my children this month. Needless to say, December is crazy busy and crazy stressful. Ironically, my most peaceful Advents have been those five years when I was awaiting and then holding a new baby. I was forced to prepare early and be ready when baby arrived. And even if it wasn't ready, when baby came, I was forced to stop, to sit, to gaze at my baby and to look at my tree.

Other years, I tend to not stop until that last chance to order from Amazon, or even until Christmas Eve. There is always one more gift to buy, one more stocking item to get. Sometimes the wrapping runs right into Christmas Eve dinner and Mass. Our Christmas Eve dinner tradition is take out Chinese, because a few years back I finally gave in to the fact that I couldn't get dinner on the table and stopped beating myself up for not making a seven course meal involving fish!

This year feels a little more peaceful. Maybe it is the longer Advent, it doesn't feel as rushed. Maybe it is age. Two more kids may leave the nest in the coming year. My internal voice says, "savor each moment", "smile more- fake it if you have to". I'm looking closer at the lit Advent candles, searching for the spiritual depth I need to find for myself. I am trying to be more mindful when the stress builds up, and I'm taking extra care of myself, especially nutritionally, instead of indulging in cookies and birthday cakes and sabotaging myself.

We moms take on so much during Advent, especially as Catholics because while we are tending to the material aspects of the "season" like most Americans, we know that it is more important to tend to the spiritual. We pray the prayers, we light the candles, we read the picture books,  we celebrate the feast days. Our kids know "the reason for the season".

But, tired mama, are you tending to your own spiritual needs? Will the Baby Jesus find a warm, cozy dwelling place in our hearts? Or will we hit Christmas morning worn out and empty, with no room at the inn because the inn is a run down ruin? Will those mom tears we cry (y'all cry at Christmas Mass, right?) be tears of joy or tears of exhaustion or disappointment?

I can promise you that you can't get it "all" done and things won't be perfect Christmas morning. I know my house won't be clean enough for my liking and inevitably I will forget something for a stocking or misplace a gift. But if you and I stop today, four days before Christmas, turn the lights low, maybe light a candle and make some tea, meditate on what we are preparing for, and beg for grace, the less than perfect can be part of the beauty instead of the straw that breaks the mama's spirit.

Tired mama, He is coming for you, to bring you His peace and His rest, as much as He is coming for your children. Be ready, anticipate as your children are anticipating. So, tonight, when they are all in bed, sneak back downstairs in your pajamas and slippers, and sit in the light of the tree, and soak it in. Look at your tree, tired mama, and be filled with the beauty of all it represents.

Merry Christmas! May your Christmas tears be sappy tears of joy that embarrass your kids! 🙂

Advent Traditions in the Large Family

photo credit ... https://marthaspong.com

Here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, and just a few days away from the first Sunday in Advent! Are you ready? Do you have traditions that you do with your family each year? Or are you looking for ways to live the season that keep the focus on preparing a place for Christ, both in the form of the Baby Jesus and Christ the King whose return we await?

Advent in our home has evolved over the years. As a child, we had an Advent wreath but that was it. I don't remember a real emphasis on celebrating Advent as opposed to preparing for Christmas. So, the Advent wreath is where we started, with a little booklet of prayers and Scripture my mom put together for her religious education class of Kindergarteners.

When my older kids were very young and we were just starting out with homeschooling, I went to an Advent Seminar, led by exciting, faith-filled women. I still have many of the handouts they put in the purple folder, almost twenty years later!!! There were crafty talks (not my thing!) and spiritual talks. There was a husband and wife, parents of a large family, talking about praying together, just the two of them. My husband wasn't Catholic yet and the idea was so foreign but so appealing!

I left the seminar with a dozen ideas, and knew I had to pare it down. We bought a book about the Jesse Tree, with symbols to cut out. We bought a book with prayers and activities for children, which we still use today. A few years later, we learned about the O Antiphons and the Christmas novena.

Probably my biggest source of Advent inspiration is Elizabeth Foss , who blogs at In the Heart of My Home. Really, you should go there now! :-) Elizabeth prepared Advent lesson plans centered mostly around Tomie dePaola books, with lots of reading and crafting. Those books have become an integral part of our Advent traditions. And now, she has a lovely devotional ebook for moms, because in the busyness of trying to make sure our kids "get" the meaning and beauty of Advent, we moms can miss the opportunity, actually the need, to prepare our own hearts. So, when you are done here, make haste to Elizabeth's blog and search for "Comfort and Joy"!

So, here's is what our Advent looks like with kids aged twenty to three in the house:

Advent Wreath
We light and pray after dinner every night. We still read the simple devotions my mother wrote, and a little prayer from Advent for Children (not sure if it is still in print, but there are many good prayer books for Advent. We also have The Essential Advent and Christmas Handbook, with prayers a little deeper for the older people at the table.

Jesse Tree
I still use our Jesse Tree paper ornaments from the Jesse Tree Kit. Again, I've had my resources for decades and they are harder to find, but several other good resources are out there. This one looks good: Jesse Tree Ornaments. We used to have a little fake tree to hang our ornaments on, but in recent years I have just drawn a big tree on butcher paper and hung it on the wall. The kids then tape the ornament for each day after reading the Scripture verse. We just go in order of age, each child getting a couple of chances each year to hang an ornament. 

Advent Calendar
We have a nice wooden Advent Calendar that has held up for years from Catholic Child. It has little compartments, each with a piece of a Nativity scene and they are magnetic.  Again, we take turns taking the piece out and putting it on the Nativity scene background. The littles enjoy moving the pieces around so it is not uncommon to see sheep floating in the sky! 

Nativity sets
We have several sets, a couple for the kids, including a Little People one that they just love and a peg doll set my daughter painted last year. I have "my" set that goes on the mantle and we have a huge Bethlehem village set that we put on the entertainment center. It's a little hard to see, but it's very tempting to little people and not sturdy enough to be played with. Someday, we will put it somewhere more visible!

Reading
During Advent, "schoolwork" takes a backseat and we just read and read. We have built up a library of both religious and some not so religious books, for many age levels. I've drawn heavily from Elizabeth Foss' recommendations. Each year, we read either Jotham's Journey, Tabitha's Travels, or Bartholemew's Passage. They are set in the days leading up to Christ's birth and are adventure stories that lead all the way to Bethlehem. There is a reading for each day. It keeps the children excited and interested, even after years of reading them!

Straw for the Baby Jesus
My favorite Advent activity! Way back, my oldest covered a shoe box with construction paper to be a crib for the Baby Jesus. We keep a ball of straw colored yarn next to the crib. When a child does a good deed (extra chore, helping a sibling, making a sacrifice), he or she puts a piece of straw in the manger. The goal is a comfy, warm bed for Baby Jesus! Such a great visual to encourage preparing our hearts!

St. Andrew Novena 
This is a prayer tradition that begins on Saint Andrew's feast November 30th and goes until Christmas Eve. It consists of praying the prayer fifteen times throughout the day. I have the prayer printed out and placed on the refrigerator. I also make it the wallpaper on my iPad, and I have a lovely chaplet with a St. Anthony medal on it from Loreto Rosaries.

Christmas Novena
This is a little more of a commitment, especially if you have all little children but we have managed it for sixteen years. We originally found it on a Knights of Columbus website, but you can find it here at Catholic Culture.  My husband typed it up assigning different sections to different children so everyone has a part. It begins on December 16th and incorporates the O Antiphons which start on the 17th.

O Antiphons
We have never made an O Antiphons house or ornaments, but we celebrate them through the novena and by singing the corresponding verse of O, Come Emmanuel each day, and on Christmas Eve we sing the whole song. Here is an article by Jennifer Miller explaining the significance of the Antiphons better than I can.

Advent is full of great feast days, too! But I will save those for another post just about the saints!

Lastly, here are some books I've enjoyed for myself over the years:
Advent and Christmas with Pope John Paul II
Behold, He Comes
Joy to the World, How Christ's Coming Changed Everything (and Still Does)

Wishing you all a blessed Advent!

Monday Meme: Not Qualified

If you are a Marie Bellet fan, you probably know this line from her song "How Do I Look to You," and you're probably singing it now. You're welcome. :-)

I discovered Marie Bellet's music seventeen years ago, when I was pregnant with my fourth. She was performing at the NACHE conference in Manassas, Virginia, but I was tired so we left early. The second day of the conference, everyone was talking about how wonderful she was, so I bought her CD. I listened to it and cried the whole way home. Seventeen years and four CDs later, I still cry when I listen to her.

Marie sings about motherhood, especially being a mom of a large family, and she sings about Catholicism. She sings about grocery store lines and not perfect marriages and exhausted mornings and welcoming another baby later in life. And she sings about failure and redemption. She is a step or two ahead of me in life and each new CD has been perfect timed to help me through each stage. (Pretty sure baby #9 was a result of her song "Nine More Months, One More Time"! 😉)

When I was a young mom and trying to figure it out, she sang "Does it Make a Difference?", asking God what difference the daily life of a stay at home mom with lots of little people could make. And God answered, "have some patience, teach my children, be a light for all you see. Life is loving, so mind the details, wrap it up and send it to me. And what a difference there will be."

When I was a little more confident, but busy and maybe a little discouraged, she sang "there will come a time with no constant interruptions, confusing all my senses, my reason, and my rhyme, and how my heart will leap to find one backpack in the hallway, and the promise of a face and a story just for me" in "Ordinary Time".

When I was really tired, she encouraged me with A New Springtime. And as my children were growing and began leaving, she sang about that too. She sang about letting go and getting older. She has one song about a son deployed to the Middle East and while my son was there (and even now) I cried and cried through that song, relating to being a mom, waiting and worrying.

All through her music is self-examination and refocusing on God. But don't think her music is somber or depressing. It can be fun, and it's always inspiring. The most important thing is that what she shares as her struggles, is what we moms go through, maybe not all of it, but enough, and it is a validation that we are not alone. We aren't the only women who cry in front of the sink at night, or spend our time saying "if only". She admits to buying books she won't read and having clothes in her closet that don't fit. She admits to being cranky and not be able to keep up with her life. And she admits to thinking others are probably doing it better. And often, she looks up and asks God why.

Ladies, we aren't alone. You may be a great homemaker, and I'm a lousy one, but I may be able to stand constant chaos and chatter and you just can't. We are different but we are the same. Our hearts burst with love and concern, and often some guilt thrown in. We all have our times when we call out to God and say "Does it make a difference?" And our times when we are done and all we can say is "Thy Will Be Done."

I cannot encourage you enough to buy her CDs, listen to them until they are part of your thought process, cry and be comforted. She has been an light through this journey for me. And I just want every mom to have that in her life!

(The song from the meme is "How Do I Look to You?" Marie does this wonderful thing in her songs...repeating a phrase but changing the meaning. So she starts by asking God how she looks to Him, but ends by realizing that she needs to look TO Him, and asking how she can do it. I could quote her all day, but just get the CDs! Lol!)

One more thing, my children have grown up singing her songs, and I know that will be a gift in their adult lives.

Marie Bellet CDs at Amazon

Choosing To Be Present

A couple of weeks ago, late at night, I was doing something on my iPad, probably Facebook, while lying in bed. One of my kids came in and started talking to me about things going on in her life and the logistics of the next few days. I thought I was listening but my attention was divided and suddenly I realized she had left the room and I had no idea what we had decided. I wish I could say that hadn't happened before, or since. But I can't.

Another night, I was sitting by my daughter's crib while she cried about going to sleep. She's almost four and I just need her to sleep. I sang her some songs then thought about posting my bedtime struggle on Facebook. Then something struck me. With my older children, when I was with them, I was with them. I didn't have any way to broadcast to the world that the child wouldn't sleep, nor would it have occurred to me. I might have read a book or magazine, while hoping the child would drift off, but I was fully there. And I'm pretty sure we were both better off.

I hear friends on Facebook, usually in small, private groups, discussing the good, the bad, and the ugly of Facebook. Most of the friendships I have on Facebook are either "in real life" friends, or they are women I have known through groups and forums that pre-date Facebook. Back when we had avatars and screen names and conversations that didn't involve memes! I can huddle with these ladies in our various groups to discuss motherhood, homeschooling, and our faith. That is the good of Facebook. But even the good can be overdone.

As a young mother, I never would have dreamed of spending the day on the phone chatting with a friend while my children needed me. But the lure of that app on my phone, while the third grader does his math problems, or I wait for the water to boil for pasta, or maybe when the baby is nursing, it pulls my attention away, a little at a time, until it becomes a reflex to click and scroll. For years, I've paid for caller id on the phone so that I wouldn't interrupt our day unless it was an important call. So, why do I let these devices creep in and interrupt constantly?

There are plenty of blog posts, articles, and even books imploring moms especially to put down our phones. Why does this even have to be said? I remember when my husband got his first smartphone and he seemed to be staring at it all the time. I couldn't figure out what he could possibly be doing. For him, it is sports, or news. Then I got one, and the Facebook app, and Candy Crush, and then Instagram. And gradually I became the one with a phone attached to my hand. And I cannot say it has made my life better.

So, what to do. Go back to a flip phone? Quit social media? I admit that I am addicted to my GPS app and love taking pictures that look good. So the iPhone isn't going away. Social media keeps me connected to family, sort of, and long time friends spread throughout the country that support me in this vocation. So, not ready to give that up.

What I can do, what we can all do, is maybe delete the app so it isn't just a click away. Set up break times to mindfully get online, whether it's Facebook, Pinterest, or blogs (or Candy Crush). Make sure the needs of those around us are taken care of first. Leave the phone on the counter or wherever, instead of carrying it around, tempting you, and interrupting you. Let your time with family be time with family. Only answer urgent texts or calls. Put your phone on "do not disturb" and be present.

I need to model to my children how to handle technology and also how to build and maintain relationships.  I need to be mindful of the message it sends if I look at my phone while they are talking to me. I need them to see that when they want my time, I am willing to walk away from all distractions to look them in the eyes. And I need them to see a mother who can just sit and think, ponder life or work with my hands creating something, rather than a mom who clicks and scrolls, who half-listens and who never actually seems to find calm or peace doing so.

Finally, my children need to see a mother who does not constantly seek affirmation from the world but a mother who prayerfully discerns and looks to God for direction and affirmation. I want my children's memories of me to be with a Bible or a prayer book in my hand, not an iPhone. What is the image you want your child to remember?

We can do this.  :)

Openness To Life - More Complicated Than We May Think

Two years ago, I was expecting my eleventh child. I was so excited at the thought of one more baby, secretly even praying for twins! I was almost forty-five and assumed it was probably my last chance. I was also a little worried. I had had some early losses, including my ninth child's twin, so I knew that pregnant didn't necessarily equal baby to hold in my arms.

At ten weeks, on August 17, I started to miscarry. It was my first "real" miscarriage with the contractions, the bleeding, the waiting. I had wonderful friends who walked me through it, through text messages and through prayer. Giving birth to ten healthy children did not prepare me for this new aspect of openness to life, when things no longer played out the way I expected, no longer meant a baby in my arms as a wonderful reward for letting God plan my family. Instead, two days later, I held my tiny baby, still enclosed in her sac, in the palm of my hand, and I mourned for my baby, and for the past when babies came easily, and came healthy.

A friend posted the other day that someone told her that having ten kids is "heroic", and in many ways, it is. But my friend added that there are different paths to be heroically "open to life". My friend and I both had the path of many babies, sometimes maybe a little closer than we would have planned, or arriving at times of financial or emotional stress. Life has been full of love and, often, of chaos. It is a life of constant vigilance and giving, of tears and worries in the dark, and yet more than our share of moments that make our hearts swell with happiness and love and gratitude.

But there are other paths, and even the path that my friend and I followed can take a sharp turn and lead into a much harder place. Many of my friends, women that I have shared this journey with, are now at that age where nothing is certain, nothing is like it was. Our contemporaries are "done" having children and moving on. But we persist in giving our bodies and our lives to God, knowing that at 40-something, that often means miscarriages or babies with health issues, or just that little disappointment month after month as it seems more certain that our youngest child is, in fact, our youngest child. And we give that sadness to God as well.

There is the path of those who cannot conceive, and the path of those desperate for a large family who only have a few, and the path of those who conceive yet lose baby after baby, filling the heavenly choir with those babies they desire so deeply to hold themselves. That seems the hardest path to me, a constant roller coaster of hope and worry and sadness. And yet, those moms remain faithful and heroically open to God's plan, even when it hurts. Each woman has to lay her hopes and expectations at the foot of the Cross and beg for the mercy and the grace to accept the life she is given.

Because I have a large family, women with smaller families seem to feel the need to explain why they have the number of children they have. I understand this. In Catholic circles especially, there can be the perception that the large families are the holier families, because their openness to life is visible for all to see. The women with a couple of kids, or no kids, are heroically embracing God's Will, too, but because of our contraceptive culture, they can be looked at suspiciously as some wonder why they don't have more children. They can be hurt by the sweeping comments about small families, assuming that it is always by choice. And so, the need to explain, to be validated, just as we with large families need support when the culture at large attacks us for having too many children.

I truly believe that God's plan for each family is meant for our sanctification. For reasons known only to Him, He allows crosses of different weights and size, tailored to each one of us for us to embrace and grow closer to Him. I often joke that my natural tendency is toward laziness so God gave me all these children to keep me from turning into a couch potato! I tell those young moms who are worried because the babies aren't coming fast enough to relax and enjoy their families just as they are. I tell the moms of one or two to embrace the gift of being able to give so much time and attention to their children. Each of our crosses are real, but we need to be careful not to fall into a perspective of "the grass is always greener" also. Having ten children can be quite limiting, in terms of time and money and logistics, and I do at times lament what we "can't do" or when I feel stretched and worry that I am failing these kids. And I know that, on the other hand, there are moms who see my children so happy with each other, my girls singing together, my big kids helping with the little kids, and those moms feel a sadness too.

In the end, I come to the same conclusion I always come to, we need to plant ourselves firmly at the foot of the Cross, dying to our own desires however good they are, and embracing God's plan for our families. And we need to show mercy and love to each mother we encounter because some crosses are obvious, but many are not, and we are all journeying to the same place where He will make all things new and we will see the fruits of our faithfulness.

As I always tell my kids, it is not about this world, keep your eyes on your true home.

What If People Could Read Your Mind?

My husband and I were watching a show the other night. The episode centered around a patient whose sudden illness involved lack of inhibition, meaning he said whatever came to mind. He said things to his wife, his child, his boss, the doctors, etc.  that were unkind and hurtful, things he would never say out loud if he could help it. These were people he loved, respected but his internal dialogue was full of negative thoughts.

I'd seen that episode before but this time it got me thinking. I find it interesting that the idea of how troublesome speaking your mind can be is an often used theme for movies and shows. There is the movie Liar, Liar, which I haven't seen but from previews have seen how much trouble is caused by his inability to lie. There is a Doctor Who episode where the people in a town can only speak the truth, not sure if they had to say what they thought, but if they spoke it was true. There is a scene where a couple walks by and The Doctor asks them if it is difficult always speaking the truth. The woman happily says it is not hard and the man says it is hard.

Am I the man or the woman in that scene? If I came down with an illness that made me speak every thought, would I offend and hurt my loved ones? I am a nice person. I try hard to be kind and considerate and loving. But even when trying, hurtful things can slip out. Maybe a sharp response or a sarcastic remark when I'm tired. Maybe I make an offhand comment about someone who bothers me in front of others. Those are things that happen when I am trying to be charitable, when I am in control. But what if I wasn't in control?

The real question then is what is really in my head, my heart?  What thoughts do I let run through my internal dialogue? Do we tell ourselves it is okay to think angry thoughts about our husbands as long as we don't say them? Are we critiquing Father's homily or what our friend's daughter is wearing? Do we allow a running commentary of negative self-talk, berating ourselves, complaining about our lives, or wishing our days away?

I think we all can relate to at least some of those scenarios. Things we'd never dream of saying aloud. But, really, what can we do? Who thinks happy, loving thoughts all the time? Pollyanna? I mean, even if your life is great, and you are content, you still going to think that the cashier is painfully slow or that you really didn't need to be at that meeting. So what's the answer? What is a fallen person to do?

Fortunately, this train of thought coincided with a talk I went to at a homeschool conference. The topic was how to be happy now, in the present. I'm not sure what I was expecting the answer to be, and the answer certainly wasn't a new concept to me, but it hit me hard. Give thanks in everything. Good, bad, ugly. We know this, right? It's in the Bible. But do we live it? What if I changed the conversation in my head? What if I actually thanked God for everything?

The interesting part of the talk was that the speaker wasn't suggesting we find something good in each situation for which to give thanks. Nope. He said we should thank God for the bad with the good. "Thank you God for this rush hour traffic" sounds a little counter-intuitive. And I know I read the story of Job and I'm still like "really?"  But here is the point, I think. Each bad or annoying situation (or person) is truly my opportunity to grow in virtue, to offer my suffering to gain grace, and to just reframe the way I look at life.

So, to tie it in to the negativity in our minds and the mortifying idea of how we would sound if each thought somehow made it out of our mouths. I think the key to pulling it together is humility. St. Francis deSales wrote of how instead of being surprised when we fall, we should be astonished by the fact that we can stand at all. We need to humility to stop thinking we deserve something perfect, but also the humility to realize that we can't fix our own faults without the Grace of God. Negative self-talk is actually pride speaking. So instead of complaining that I can't get it together, I can thank God for chance to grow in humility. When I am judging someone's intentions, I should thank God for the gift of that person in my life who pushes me to look at my own pride and intentions, and also challenges me to grow in charity.

I certainly think that part of the giving thanks in everything is finding the positive. It has to be, especially for us "glass half empty" people. When the baby soaks your bed, thank God for the baby. 🙂

Bottom line, I think being practiced in the attitude of thankfulness, and the virtue of humility, will change the thoughts that run free through your brain. You really will think the positive things first, and you won't have to worry about someone reading your mind! (Just in case you end up with some rare disease in a House episode or find yourself on an unknown planet with The Doctor! )

Advice for Catalog and Conference Season

I love to give advice to anxious moms, especially young ones. I do a great job reassuring them, calming them, maybe even inspiring them. But I also have a tendency to completely panic about my own life. All those things I share with others, I forget when looking at my own life. 

One of the most stressful times of the year for homeschoolers is what I call "catalog and conference season". Just when we should be taking a break and just being mom, we are inundated with choices for next year. Instead of refreshing ourselves, taking a deep breath, we try to evaluate the year gone by and figure out where to change and what to do. Even for the unschooling types like me, the pressure to analyze and makes plans can be intense. 

Over the years, I have worked various tables at homeschool conferences and always find myself chatting with lots of moms, new homeschoolers as well as the somewhat worn out seasoned ones, both looking for the perfect fit for their families. They have been wandering the vendor hall and going to talks. They have lists. And they have a desperate look in their eyes. 

Here are some of the things I always try to share, which serve as reminders to myself as well:

Don't make decisions while you are there. Take the catalogs and your lists, take your notes from talks and go home and pray. Do the research at home, talk to friends, then make your plan and buy your books. I'm always grateful for two day conferences so I can browse one day, go home and pray, and then carefully buy a few must haves the next day. 

If you are just starting, relax. Your little kindergartener does not need an expensive curriculum. He doesn't need any curriculum. Collect a bunch of lovely picture books, maybe a simple phonics program and some math manipulatives. Spend your year reading and playing and cuddling and following his lead. Spends lots of time outside! Learning is a natural process and your child will not be behind. Just this year a bunch of articles went around the Internet about how children in Finland don't even start "school" until they are around eight or nine. I admit most of mine didn't do much in the way of formal learning until around eight. 

If you are just starting with older kids, relax. Many kids need to "deschool" when they start homeschooling. Fill your home with books and games. Read together, play together, even with big kids. Have tea and read poetry. Get outside! The most important thing is for your child(ren) to stop seeing learning as a school thing and see it as life. You cannot force a child to learn. You may be able to force schoolwork but not real learning, and not without creating resentment. Which leads me to my next point...

Trust the child. Not every kid will be a voracious reader, but I believe every child will be a voracious learner if you give them inspiration, a little freedom, and a lack of easy distractions. People ask how I get my kids to read all the time. Well, there isn't much else for them to do! They are free to play outside or play with toys or games, but for the bulk of the day they do not have access to video games or DVDs or other time sappers. Instill a family culture of learning. Moms, you should be learning something new all the time, too. I think most of us are already doing this, but make sure your kids know. Talk about what you are learning. They will, in turn, start searching out information, doing research. And you will most likely also find a willingness to tackle some learning you want them to do. A child with academic freedom is more willing to do the math you feel they should do or maybe tackle something outside her comfort zone like a foreign language. When it is all about enriching yourself, it is more appealing than when it seems like someone else's agenda. 

High schoolers at home? Turn their education over to them. Talk about their goals and help them see what needs to be done. Do they want to go a four year college or university? How will they make that happen? Be a helper, a coach, a facilitator, but not a taskmaster. Encourage them to own their lives. You will be amazed! 

One great peace of advice I heard about a year ago, I think it was from a podcast with Cindy Rollins, is to get your own philosophy first before making decisions. Invest time reading about different educational philosophies. Pray about it. Be honest with yourself about yourself. I wasted a lot of time and money chasing methods that didn't work for me, from "school at home" to lapbooks to complicated unit studies. Know your strengths and what gives you energy and start there. 

Some great books to get you started or to refresh your spirit:

A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver deMille 

Teaching from Rest by Sarah Mackenzie 

Real Learning by Elizabeth Foss

A Little Way of Homeschooling by Susie Andres

Beauty in the Word by Stratford Caldecott 

Consider This: Charlotte Mason and the Classical Tradition by Karen Glass

One last thing to remember, it is never too late. It is never to late to refresh, reevaluate, make little changes or big ones. A bad week or a bad month, even a bad year, doesn't define you or your homeschool! Believe it or not, there is time and there is no one right way to do it. Your kids first and foremost need and want your love! They want a mom who can just be with them, enjoy them, and journey with them! Commit your children to God and have faith. This is a huge undertaking, but so worth it. 

Friendship Is Not Optional (Why Moms Need Friends)

When I was asked to write a blog post for Cuppa Catholic, friendship was the first topic that came to mind. It is a topic that has been on my heart for a while now, through seasons full of deep and fulfilling friendships and seasons of loneliness when I let life circumstances get in the way.

Of course, after I offered to write about friendship, I began seeing the topic pop up in my daily reading- blogs, daily devotions, even the Lenten workshop I'm participating in.  Women with great wisdom and a gift for words offered me much to ponder and also left me thinking there wasn't much more I could say. I can only offer my own experience and why I think that friendship is not just a good thing for moms, but an essential thing we cannot neglect.

God gave me an incredible gift, back before marriage and kids and this full, busy life. He placed a lovely woman in my path. A woman who sought out friendship with me, when I would have been to shy to step out in faith. Maybe it was growing up without sisters that made initiating friendships, and then navigating them, hard for me. But this dear one saw that we had a connection and she offered herself in friendship. That friendship grew and has endured through the happiest of times: weddings and babies; and the saddest of times: the death of a parent, of a child, of a sibling; the trials of parenthood and marriage.

As a young mom, I had this friend by my side. She drew me into friendship with other moms, who also became my support system, some as mentors, others as companions walking the same path. Back in the day before the Internet, we spent time together weekly, in conversation and support of each other. When there was a prayer need, we had a phone prayer chain, no Facebook or email to type out a message. We had real voice contact. We told the story of the prayer need and promised to pray. When times were hard, I had someone to call. And I was there when one of them needed me.

Life changed when I moved away to another town, far enough away that those weekly meetings were tough. By then email had taken the place of phone prayer chains. More children meant less time on the phone anyway. Having left behind my friend who always drew me in, when I tended to hang back, I had to try to form new friendships without her. The different dynamics of the new group of homeschoolers made it harder, a slow process.

It happened, but it took more work. And that is when I bought into those mistakes so many of us make. I decided it wasn't my season for friendship besides occasional chats before and after activities, or sitting with casual acquaintances at baseball games. I didn't have "time" and I didn't really "need" time with friends. I spent more time online, with moms who were very much like me- large families, same homeschooling style, etc. But what was missing was the voice to go with the avatar, the eye contact to really understand and share with the other person.

Don't get me wrong, I have some strong friendships born from those online groups. Women who have been through years of ups and downs. Some I've never met, others are friends that I may see once a year but it always feels like a bond is there. One of my dearest friends was on a forum with me and then moved to my town. Thank God for that online connection! The point is that, for most of us, in most circumstances, a real face to face, or even just voice to voice connection is needed.

But back to the friendship mistakes. When we don't seek out close friends, we set ourselves up for burnout, even depression. Our husbands can be a great support and confidant, but sometimes we need a woman to walk along beside us. During the busy years, many of us moms, especially the large family, homeschooling moms, tend to hunker down and push through, settling for little tastes of friendship here and there. Moms, you deserve and you need more.

There are two sides of the next mistake. One is lack of discernment, when we are so eager to find a close friend that we don't take the time to pray about it, to gradually allow someone in. Instead, we jump in, pour out our hearts and our energy, only to be hurt, sometimes an outright hurt but sometimes just from a lack of reciprocation. It is dangerous to wear your heart on your sleeve too soon. Prayer and prudence are a must.

The other side of the mistake could be called over discernment. There is that tendency to wait for a friend who is just like us: same family size, parenting style, same school choices, etc. And in the meantime, we miss an opportunity to get to know that neighbor next door, whose kids are grown, but could be a fabulous friend, or the younger mom who seems so busy and in a different time of life, but who could remind you of a younger you and inspire you while you, in turn, could be a voice of experience in an immature world. My dear friend, the one I mentioned before, has her kids in school, she's not quite as "crunchy" as I tend to be, she's way outgoing and makes friends easily while I am an introvert. Little differences, but we share a love for God, our families, and each other. Sometimes, those differences add another perspective when we wrestle with big issues. Don't limit yourself!

Friendship takes courage. But even more it takes faith. Start with prayer. I know I pray for God to put the right people in my children's paths. Pray for a friend. Pour your heart out to Jesus first. Trust that He knows your needs.

Be a friend. This is where your courage may falter. I know I have a hard time initiating things. When I am new to a group, I tend to assume everyone already has their friendships in place and there is no room for me. Or I fear showing myself, worrying that I won't measure up. Maybe I won't be organized enough, or structured enough, or holy enough, whatever. But step out and take a chance. Tell a young mom you'd be glad to chat about homeschooling (or whatever) some time, offer to help with her littles or meet her at a park for grownup conversation. Give her your number and tell her to text whenever. Ask that woman that you admire, who seems like a fun, joyful person, to meet you for coffee one afternoon (and then actually suggest a time). Introduce yourself to the new family at church. Smile, and just be yourself!

Be a friend, part two. Many of us have had close friendships, that we have let life get in the way of. Make it a priority. Put a phone call on your calendar, even if you have to hide in the laundry room or wander around the yard outside to get a little privacy!  Pick a monthly time for a lunch or a cup of coffee and DO IT. Send a text saying you are praying. An idea I had a while back but have done a poor job of following through is "friendship Friday". The idea was to send a card, make a call, or just a personal, well thought out email to a friend with whom I've lost touch. If God has blessed you along the way with good friends, don't let that gift slip away. If you need to repair the friendship, do it.

The best things in life take work, and they take courage, and often sacrifice. Don't make excuses and don't rob yourself because you think you don't need it, or you are too afraid to pursue it. If you are in a good place, reach out and be a friend. If you are in a hard place, let someone in because it will bless her, too.

Moms, we were made for community. Whether you are the only mom on the block where everyone else is at work, or you're a mom working long hours who barely fits in her non-negotiable to-do items, or the mom on a homestead with no neighbor's in sight, you need to share this journey. And you have something unique to offer, there is someone who needs you, too. So, take a chance. Send a text. Make a call. Bless someone today and you will be blessed!