Parents Are Experts Of Their Children

We all need to hear positive encouragement, no matter what stage in life we are with our kiddos.  Home schooling presents, in particular, need to share encouragement.  There are stories of successes and failures, just like any other educational system.  Unfortunately, people make judgments without being fully informed.  If we parents make the decision to home school, we really need to know why so we can withstand the criticisms of others.

My husband and I home schooled for 12 years.  We started with my then 14 year old going into high school.  Then we included our next son for junior high and our fourth son, homeschooling part time in elementary school and junior high.  We have two boys with autism.  I've experienced home schooling and regular schooling, and I've heard from principals, psychologists, counselors, teachers, and other parents.  I've heard both good and bad about home schooling.

The first lesson I learned by being a parent of any kid, let alone a special needs kid, is that I, the parent, am the expert of my child.  No teacher, no psychologist, no doctor, no therapist, nobody else knows my son better than me.  I am the person he will seek help, advice, and consolation.  I recognize when my son needs to be redirected, pushed, enlightened, and encouraged.  I also know when he needs a break or recognition.  These just a name a few examples of such personal knowledge of my child.

I pass this concept to other parents:  You are the expert of your child.  You don't need a degree of any sort to hold this title.  This is a reality.  You are privileged AND are responsible to hold this position with authority and love.  It is God-given.  And expected. Many outside your home (or even inside your home) may challenge you on several levels, so it is critical that you KNOW that you matter a great deal, as the expert of your child.  I even had to say this to a "disability professional" who was trying to tell my child what he could do and couldn't do.  I had to step in and say, "You may be 'THE disability professional', but I am the EXPERT of my son.  We need to find out IF he can to this or not. We need to see what he can do.  Don't assume."  That person did not like it, but she could not refute what I said.

We, as mothers, spend more time with our kids than anyone else. We know what they are ready to learn, and we can change the course, if necessary. So please have faith in yourselves.  Pray too.  Motherhood is underrated in our society, but not in God's eyes.  As parents, we are the primary educators in our childrens' lives.  We can't be deterred by someone's opinion.

Outgrowing Does NOT Equate With Failure

Children outgrow clothes and baby talk.  Teenagers outgrow (hopefully) bad attitudes and self-centered choices. Young adults outgrow late night parties and frivolous spending.  So what’s left for adults to outgrow? Aren’t we supposed to make sound choices the first time and establish lifelong habits?  Yes, of course we are, however we’re human and there really are things we can outgrow.
Maybe you set a course for your marriage long before you exchanged vows.  Then one day you’re reflecting on the difficult times you and your spouse have been experiencing recently and you realize  the ways in which you communicate have changed.  At one time, you used to sit down every night and hash out the details of your day, but all of a sudden there are children and activities and no more nightly conversations.  Here is where it’s very important to recognize that you’ve outgrown something that needs to replaced.  Communication in any relationship is essential but especially in marriages.  Let the past stay there, don’t focus on what can’t be anymore and look for new ways to spend time with your spouse.  

If you’re a homeschooling family, that in itself is adventure, but along the way your family size has increased, kids have gotten older, and you find yourself getting “bored” of the same old thing.  Homeschooling no longer seems like the fun adventure it used to be when the first kids were little.  Stop. Take some time to write down or reflect on why you started homeschooling to begin with so many years ago.  I guarantee that you’ll start to notice that there are just simply things your homeschool has outgrown, that just don’t work anymore for your family.  That’s perfectly fine because again we are changing constantly.  With all of that in mind now you can look at what you want for your homeschool going forward.  Is it time to switch curriculums or maybe just change up a textbook here and there?  Are you “bored” because you need a fresh space to school in or a new fun gadget to making teaching easier or more fun?  Maybe there’s a personality (or two) that would benefit from more time with you or even away from you?  No matter how you answer those questions, remember that your homeschool is what you make of it and recognize that not all change is bad.

I’m not certain what your home life looks like, but I can guarantee mine is a whole bunch of joyful chaos.  Within that chaos are some good things and some not so good things.  Maybe you’ve experienced what we have here – a day or a week where everyone seems off and the house seems exceptionally messy and the chaos is more than everyone can handle!?  Well, if you haven’t, praise be, but if you have then you know that those times usually point toward the need for prayerful reflection on how to get back on track.  Since I feel like an expert at these “derailings” I can say with confidence that I usually find that we’ve outgrown (even if just temporarily) our current routine.  So these are the times when we might change up chores, meals, seats in the van, night time buddies, etc.  Pick the area or areas that a little change might spice up your home life again.  Don’t be afraid to try something completely out of the ordinary!  It will either be a big hit or big flop, but either way, you haven’t committed your life to it so no worries.

So yes indeed even adults can outgrow something!  The biggest challenge for us, though, is realizing and accepting that it’s okay.  We aren’t failures, we haven’t permanently scarred anyone if something doesn’t work.  Reflect, pray, and make a change.  It could be fun!

Open the Eyes of My Heart

It seems like lately I have not been able to focus or even recognize the joy and beauty in parenting my oldest, sweet daughter.  Please don't take that as a knock on parenting or on my child. As anything in life, there's ebb and flow.  Sometimes I feel like I've got a handle on the situation and sometimes I don't. Well, this weekend God blessed me with perspective and I will be forever grateful for that moment.

Grace shines when she's on stage and loves to sing her sweet heart out.  God has blessed her with a lovely voice and I get such a kick out of hearing her sing (just like her daddy). This past weekend, she starred as Serena Katz in Fame, Jr. for the park district summer theater program. I've watched her on stage in four other shows this past 18 months and enjoyed every last one of them. However, this time it was like I had new glasses on.

There she was, center stage, singing and dancing beautifully. I wasn't looking at Serena Katz, really, I was looking at my sweet little girl growing into a beautiful young lady. Oh did I cry. The tears just welled up and fell down my smiling momma cheeks.  Right in front of my eyes, my oldest child was growing up.  Wow!  Where did the time go?  How did this happen?  It was like God was giving me a fresh perspective, a reminder that His work in her isn't done, but that so far she's pretty amazing. 

I needed that moment.  I needed to see Grace right where she belongs using the gifts that God has given her to recognize that she is indeed growing up into her own person. All of a sudden, I realized that parenting this lovely young lady doesn't have to be like what the world says about raising tweens and teens.  I know there will still be ebb and flow.  We're going to argue and disagree, but I know that I can't make her into something she's not.  There will be good days and bad days for both of us.

For so long, I've been focused on the tough stuff, the bad days, the arguments all the while my sweet girl has been growing up into a young lady.  I don't want to focus on the tough stuff anymore.  I want to focus on all the amazing things that make my sweet Grace who she is and who she will become.

 Maybe you've been having some tough days mothering a particular child or children, that's okay. For just one moment, though, stop and ask God to give you eyes to see what you've been missing. Ask our Heavenly Father to bless you with a moment of joy that gives you new perspective.  I promise He will deliver!

Monday Meme: Our Children: Problems or Problem Solvers

How much time do we waste striving for perfection?  Will we ever learn that perfection will always elude us? However, we should still aim to improve.  What a balance!!  We need to challenge ourselves, but we also need to know when to stop.

When it comes to our children, we often push for the better time in a race, a better grade on a test, or better performance on that instrument.  While all those goals are worthy, we need to consider the sacrifice.  Is something else being neglected?  Is our push towards greatness increasing character in a positive way, or is it crushing our children's spirit?

I have three children with autism.  For years, they have had therapies focusing on their weaknesses. My kids need to do this or say that.  Painful hours.  At some point, I had to think outside the box.  My kids may never be able to do things that neuro-typical kids can do, so why are we, the therapists, doctors, teachers, and family all focused on pushing for those "normal" goals?  We should be looking at different solutions that my boys can use to accomplish those goals.  What I mean is my boys may achieve the "normal" goal in an unusual or unorthodox way.

 I looked at my sons' strengths and found many.  I changed how their therapies were done.  We focused on what they could do to help what they couldn't do.  Their worlds changed overnight.  Suddenly, they were happy.  They could accomplish tasks.  They were smart.  They could do things!

Simply by changing focus of what they can't do to what they can do made a huge difference.  No longer were my boys "incapable" or disabled.  They just solved problems differently than others.  They were now seen as problem solvers vs problems.  Big difference.

Our children can surprise us.  Capitalize on what they can do, and see just what else opens up!  Our children will see themselves as doers.  Our children can become self-reliant, a skill necessary for adulthood.

Whether our children have disabilities or not, our children all have the same goals of being loved, accepted, and successful.  How we see them and what we tell them matters.  If we constantly criticize, our children will learn to criticize.  We need balance.  Of course, we need to correct wrong doing, but we need to celebrate right doing.

Just how often do we parents celebrate that?  We need to celebrate the positive more than correcting the negative.

Also posted in...

http://sherylscript.blogspot.com

a blog about life with autistic teen boys

Mercy, Mothering, and that Difficult Child

I'm certain that Pope Francis declared the Year of Mercy explicitly for me. Ok, well maybe that's
exaggerating a bit, but let me run with the idea anyway! I have this amazing 4 year old boy (#6 in the
line up of 8) who is very special. Well, they're all special, but this guy is particularly special right now! The aforementioned 4 year old is a unique blend of several personalities in our family – not necessarily a good thing some days. He's sensitive, funny, sharp as a tack, picky,and goofy all wrapped up in the same kid.

You know how you think a child is just going through a phase. You might say things like, “I know this is just a phase, he'll grow out of it.” Or “Surely, she's just tired and needs more rest.” And then all of a sudden you realize it isn't a phase. They continue to complain about strings on clothing from age 18 months to 4 years with no end in sight. Or they can't stand when the food on their dinner plate touches. Maybe this kid is just made the way he is and will always be difficult to some degree. And this, my fellow mothers in the trenches, is where the Year of Mercy was declared just for us (me)!

After raising X number of children, gathering real life experience with each subsequent child, one
might think expert, master, or pro are appropriately earned titles attached to our God-given title of Mother.  Unfortunately, just as soon as you tag one of those titles on, we usually get a dose of humility. Just as soon as we think we've figured out how to get Sally asleep, Jane comes along and won't have anything to do with our new found bliss.

Sleep patterns, fashion choices, eating likes/dislikes, coping mechanisms, and so forth will all be
different with each child and you just can't predict how it's all going to turn out. This makes parenting
in general and motherhood more specifically, very challenging to say the least. So I got to #6 in my
own line-up and the 4th boy so I figured he was going to be super simple to figure out. LOL!!!! Every day is different with him, actually every minute is different with him.

In spite of this seemingly difficult child, God calls me to love him just the same as the other 7 children who call me mom. The funny thing is, or at least I chuckle at myself, I'm the one who needs to change, not my sweet boy. I'm the one who needs God's mercy, His forgiveness, His Grace found new everyday in order that I may love my child the way in which he deserves. The “Year of Mercy” is helping me to do so in meaningful and tangible ways that I had not considered before.

Children are a gift from a God – bottom line. They don't have to be anything special or do anything great to be this gift. As they are, imperfections, quirks, vices, and virtues, these children we aim to get to Heaven are simply and purely gift. So how in the world does something so sweet and innocent cause so much angst in the life of a mother? How can we wrestle the feelings of love and disdain that run rampant through our hearts?

Here is a simple yet helpful way to embrace the “Year of Mercy” and also help to build a better
relationship with that “difficult” child:

• Desire to Change
• Ask God for help
• Start small
• Keep praying

Honestly, it almost looks like the steps to preparing for a good confession, but that makes perfect sense because that's where we can feel God's mercy in such a tangible way. Lately, I had been super frustrated because I keep praying for help to mother my sweet boy but I felt like I was just stuck in a rut and acting the same way toward him almost shunning him at times. Then I had a light bulb moment at Mass the other day --I was missing one of the steps. I want to change, I asked for help, and I was sort of praying about it, but I wasn't implementing any changes in my own behavior. Light bulb!!!  All this time that I've been asking for help God has been answering, but I wasn't responding back with an earnest effort. If I want to change I need to make a concerted effort to try some new things with my little guy. Once this sunk into my heart and mind, I was able to take some small steps toward loving my difficult child in whole new ways.

Now with the Lenten season upon us in the midst of the “Year of Mercy” I'm feeling as though there is an abundance of God's grace to draw from. He wants me to ask Him for help, He wants you to ask for help, because ultimately He wants us to live out our vocation to the best of our ability and then to be happy with Him forever in Heaven.

So if you have ever or are currently parenting a difficult child, take some time to reflect on my simple
way to build a better relationship with him/her. Dive into the “Year of Mercy” if you haven't already
and run full steam into Lent and you'll find an abundance of God's grace just waiting for the taking.

Monday Meme: Stunned Silence

Silence screams, “Go now!”  Being an astute mom, you do not waste the moment. You double check to make sure ALL of your kids are participating. They don’t even look at you, so you flee to _______.  (You can fill in the blank with one on the meme or one of your own.)  Indeed, rarely are your kids completely engrossed with an activity.  You KNOW that they are so enthralled with what they are doing, that they will never notice your absence for a few moments.

Then Silence must nudge the kids, “Hey, Mom is gone.  Where did she go?  Is she safe?”  There is no other plausible explanation.  How else could those busy kids suddenly know you’re gone?  Not only do they yell, “MOM!” but they won’t stop.  “Mom, I need help.”  Or “Mom, I want you.”  Or “Mom, Joey’s finger is stuck in his mouth.”

Their “need” is usually not a need but a want… a want for Mom.  What a nuisance.  How annoying.  Can’t they give you just one moment’s peace?  Can’t they see you need to just_____ (fill in the blank again.)  There just is nothing like trying to use the restroom, and you see their prying fingers under the door as they plea, “Mama, MAMA!”

Silence stands back and laughs.  Silence is thoroughly entertained by the events.  For the moment.  Then Silence is bored.  How predictable.  How boring.  Just like before.

But wait.  You are not yelling.  Silence is stunned and thinks, “What’s this?”

You are laughing.  Yeah, sure, a tear falls, but you are happy.  You realize your kids want YOU.  No matter how crazy your hectic day is or what’s on the to-do list, your kids want YOU.  As you are.  You are like a rock star with groupies!  Suddenly, you are grateful for these little ones.

WHAT A GIFT!

Professional Development for Parents?

My husband is an actuary. He is a Fellow in the Society of Actuaries. Like many professionals, in order to maintain his designation, he must take 30 hours a year of professional development even though he has met all the qualifications and passed all the exams, studied for 1000's of hours and worked in his field for 20 years. So why does he need professional development, and what does that have to do with parenting?

An actuary needs professional development because his industry is constantly changing. New laws are implemented, plan designs change, and ethical rules are revised to keep pace with a changing economy. In the same way that a professional actuary needs to continually invest in his education to keep up with insurance industry trends and changes in law, parents who take their vocations seriously need to take the time to learn more about parenting. If you think about it, parenting is way more important than any paying job you're ever going to get, and the reward is infinitely higher. Our goal is heaven, and each of our children has the potential to become a saint.

We recently signed up for Parents University. One Friday night a month, we leave the kids, and instead of heading out to a restaurant for a nice dinner, we meet with other couples at a high school and sit in the same desks I remember from so long ago and listen to classes which are helping us grow together as parents. We are learning about the natural law, and freedom. We are discussing the meaning of life. This is our professional development.

We are spending time with other parents who are similarly hoping to learn more about how to guide their children through the sleepless period of infancy, on to busy toddler-hood, to the rambunctious childhood years, the angst filled adolescent years and the tentative first steps into young adulthood. All of us there know that our jobs as parents are important enough to sacrifice a weekend evening; that professional development in our vocation is crucial to help us adapt to our ever-changing roles.

After 20 years of parenting  experience, we know, more than ever before, that there is always something more to learn. That no matter how much experience we have, we can always improve our skills, learn a new technique, discover a new way to speak to the heart of each one of our very unique children. We have lots of tools at our disposal: the Sacramental life, our prayer life, devotions, lots of Holy Water, our intellect, and the grace of our vocation, and professional development.